I heart plants.

Since I happen to live in an apartment with zero ventilation, I have to open the window several times a day, even when it's cold outside. I don't mind the cold, but my plants do. So they don't survive or they simply suffer.

Which is why I adore my aquarium plants. I need plants to take care of, to give some green lushness to my winter days. I love seeing plants grow and prosper.

Back when I still had my Rainbow cichlids, I couldn't grow any plants in the tank because those terrorists would eat them within a week. That's the main reason I got rid of them and got some new cute fishes (check them out in this post).

I had an algae problem initially, but ever since the aquarium shopkeeper told me I probably change the water too much and too often and don't fertilize enough, and then acted in the opposite manner to salvage the situation, my plants have been positively thriving.

Look!

It's full of plants! The fish can barely swim around! Such a happy sight.

These plants, whatever they are, like to grow out of the tank towards the lamp:

Ever since I bought these lamps six years ago, I've been wanting to get plants that grow out of the tank. With regular aquarium lamps, that's impossible. But it was only now that I accidentally managed to choose a plant that to my surprise likes to grow up up and away!

Those small spots are Lemna minor, or common duckweed. Aquarists usually hate them because they multiply really fast and look kind of untidy. It's hard to avoid getting them along with other plants that you buy and it's hard to get rid of them as well. As for myself, I didn't mind at all getting these plants for free. I like how they complement the overall lush verdancy (I hope that's a real word), plus they were helpful in overthrowing those nasty algae. Fast-growing plants are essential in harvesting extra nutrients from the water, so they won't be utilized by algae instead. They did their job and now I keep only a small smattering of duckweed to give some variety to the mix of plants.

I also have these Pistia stratiotes growing on the surface. I like how they create some shadowy areas for the fish to feel safe in, and they just look pretty. Their leaves are covered with white hair, which helps keep them from getting submerged.

They are still fairly small - they can grow even five times this large over time with good lighting and fertilization! I hope they will. I like seeing plants grow BIG.

Elina in the wonderland of knit and crochet.

I've been thinking about knitting and crocheting a lot lately. It's more fascinating the more you learn about it! For instance, all these terms in English - single, double, bobble crochet, garter, stockinette and rib stitch - sound so cool and complicated. I still mix them up, I keep forgetting which is which, but I like them all. Why do some people not like purling? Unless your knitting style is very tight and the yarn is very fuzzy or just a biatch, I don't see how it's any less fun than knitting.

I've been pondering which I like more, knitting or crocheting. Knitting is definitely harder: I always drop stitches and don't know how to pick them up right, I increase stiches or decrease them unintentionally, or something else always happens. If all goes well, though, it's worth all the fiddling.

With crocheting it's hard to drop stitches, but it may be fiddly if you tend to crochet too tight. Especially with bulky yarn it truly demands attention to the work. If the yarn and the hook are just right, however, it's such a pleasure to crochet away while watching tv or even reading.

There are so many methods, too, to both knitting and crocheting. Different ways of casting on your loops, making a slip knot, crocheting from under different loops of a stitch...! I still don't know which side of a crochet work is supposed to be the right side and which the "purl" side. It makes me wonder who had so much time in their hands that they invented all that.

I also realized recently why there are so many different sizes of needles and hooks. Before I knew anything about knitting or crocheting, I was completely confused with all that variety. But now my collection of hooks and needles is starting to look moderately impressive! Thick needles and hooks have their appeal because I've grown fond of bulky yarn. Circular needles are one thing I haven't tried yet, in fact I'm not sure which kind of project would require them.

I remember back when Amoena got interested in crocheting and later knitting, I couldn't really understand the whole world of the craft. I could understand that she liked the colours of the yarns and making something by hand, but I had no idea how rewarding it would be to make something with your own hands. It's so cool to start thinking of a project, then finding a good pattern and realizing it. There's something very creative about it, because once you understand why things are done a certain way, you can deviate from the patterns according to your own taste and your needle/hook and yarn stash.

Once I noticed that I can really knit and crochet, at least decently, I've been flooded with ideas about what I want to do. I wonder if I'll ever run out of ideas for projects. At times I get an overload of crocheting/knitting, so I take a break, but I always go back to it after a couple of days at most. Even when I have to frog a project, I'm not discouraged to go on. I just unravel my work as necessary and get right back to it. I'm resilient like that with many other things as well because I don't like admitting defeat. I'm completely hooked to my new hobby!

Newness.

Mum visited last week and we went winter coat/jacket shopping. Behold the results.

A jacket with nice fringes on the collar, and a minibelt to tie it. I'm going to add more buttons as soon as I figure out how to use my sewing machine. I want to be able to wrap it tighter around my body when it gets colder so the wind can't get in.


And a bright red winter coat with black buttons and a high collar that you could button up. Those two buttons on the collar sleeve were originally on the other side, so they would be visible when you button up the collar. There were two versions of the coat in the shop (H&M): one with the buttons on the inside, one with the buttons on the outside - depending on if you like to button up the collar, or leave it down and wear a scarf instead. The point is to keep the black buttons visible. I had to get the wrong version for my taste though and sew the buttons on the other side. The colour is truly lovely!


I love having two very different coats/jackets. The shorter will be good for warmer winter days; the red and long coat will be warm in colder days. I also got a Sexy Librarian skirt to go with the shorter jacket. It's too warm if the temperature is anything above 0 celsius, so it's a true winter skirt!

(No, that's not my cellphone in the corner..)

Now that it's colder, I've also started using the boots I bought in Liverpool in the summer, when I attended the Corpus Linguistics conference there. They have 5cm heels and they're really comfortable!

Mum had also bought me a tri-layered sports underwear set to keep me warm in the winter when I go jogging.

It's not the sexiest outfit to wear, but it's warm and dry. It's actually very difficult to dress right for jogging in the winter if you don't have this kind of functional sports wear with special qualities.

Finally, I bought myself two skeins of the new Teetee Pallas yarn because the colours were so pretty. I thought I would make a Baktus scarf from them, but I'm not sure yet. I wasn't actually supposed to buy any yarn, but since I met Heidi that day and we both love knitting and yarn, we ended up going through all yarn shops in Tampere! That's a bad, bad combination if you're trying not to buy yarn..

I started a new crochet project last night (as if I need more of them), a vertical stripe scarf, and I'm going to use the Red Heart Lisa yarns I bought in the summer, plus some oddball skeins of Novita 7 Veljestä and Gjestal Superwash Sport. Here are the colours:

(The red skein is just about to fall off the picture, that's why it's blurry..)

I'm going to make fairly thin stripes. I started by crocheting a long chain of chain stitches, then I started working back with single crochet. I left long loops at both ends to make a fringe. I'm excited about this because I was able to figure out how to make the scarf all by myself! It may sound very simple to someone who's been crocheting and knitting for a long time, but for a newbie like me it's very cool. Besides, I used to think of myself as completely hopeless with handcrafts, so this is definitely exciting.

I've noticed that my personality applies to my knitting and crocheting style as well. As usual, I like to start several projects before I've even finished the last ones! I am strongly determined to finish them all, I just don't know when...

My current projects are the following:

1) My first mittens, the second one of which should be unraveled and started all over again with a bigger needle! You can guess why it's still unfinished..

2) The hexagon blanket for mum. I'm in the process of making double crochets around the rim with white yarn. Then I have to cut the darning ends on the other side a little shorter and tuck them inside so it won't unravel. Boring, but I'm making progress slowly.

3) A regular scarf which I figured would look good with my new jacket, because my old scarves don't have suitable colours. But I managed to eff it up already! It's simple knit-purl-knit-purl, but it went awry still! I was angry and I didn't unravel the wrong parts, so it's less than pretty now. I'll finish it anyway and use it myself, it's not like I'm going to stare at it when I'm outdoors.

4) Pikachu, whose head I started to crochet and while I was at it, I realized there are three different ways of crocheting!! I have to start from scratch again, but I didn't get very far.

I'd also like to knit socks for my best cousin from the light blue Isoveli skein that I have. I hate the colour myself, but my cousin likes it a lot. I'm not sure if I can do it in time for Christmas, though. For my second best cousin, I'd like to knit mittens from my extra two skeins of fuchsia/purple Gjestal Superwash Sport yarn, because I think she might like that colour. Originally I bought that yarn for the hexagon blanket, but the colour didn't fit with the others.

I'm also thinking of making third scarf from Novita Kaarna, because it's so soft and bulky. It's also expensive and I have enough projects already, so I think I'll leave it till later.

On a final note, please note that I added links to my Ravelry projects on both my blogs with a little help from Amoena and JR. Looks so nice!

What's happening in Elina's world.

Chapter 1

I visited Amoena last week, as she already announced in her blog. I wanted to finally meet her new boyfriend J.R. (not so new anymore) and her new puppy, Papu (aww!).

Amoena and J.R. were really cute and funny together, and I totally fell in love with Papu. She was a little wary and shy at first and barked at any movement that I made. But by the evening, she let me touch her already and accepted me as her new friend. The next day we were on super-cuddly terms. I love dogs that like cuddling.

She was so beautiful, I didn't quite expect that. Miniature pinschers are now at the top of my potential candidate list for a dog breed, if I'm ever going to get a dog. Papu was very energetic and athletic and nimble. If she got excited, she just bounced around the apartment on sofas and chairs. She can also jump very high. Isn't that cool?

I can still see her soulful eyes and ears in my mind. But I'll have to be careful when choosing my own, as Amoena demonstrated to me that not all miniature pinschers are as pretty as Papu.

Chapter 2

Yesterday I finally met Deniselle. I've known of her for about six months now, through her blogs and Twitter. It's a fun story how I "found" her.

Once upon a time during my Christmas break, I was searching for Gaius Baltar fanfiction stories on Google. Gaius is a character from the scifi tv series Battlestar Galactica (probably the best of any tv you'll ever see). It was difficult to find any good ones, but I stumbled upon Deniselle's blog post where she gave her critique on some stories. Her writing style was so intelligent and analytical that I was hooked. Moreover, it was fuel for my James Callis-mania which had waned a little at that point.

I had a little crush on Deniselle the blogger. I like her sense of self-irony and crazy humour. She also writes very long posts, but it doesn't matter because there is nothing redundant. I may not be able to read whole books, but I like reading thoughtful blogs.

So we had a fun afternoon, ate at McDonald's and had coffee and tea at Coffee House, then visited some bookstores just so we didn't have to walk outside in the rain. She physically assaulted me and harassed me sexually, but I survived. We started planning our own religion centring on Jamus, the holy duality of James Callis and his spiritual incarnation in us (or something like that). We'll build an altar for him and share his love through hugs.

I'm kidding, of course. In reality, we talked about business meetings, world politics and economy, human rights and the finesses of translating.

So it was good that we finally met. I'm much more bold now about meeting new people.

Chapter 3

I also have some new hobbies. I bought a quality badminton racket from sale on Budgetsport and I've played twice already, according to the real rules! I found my badminton buddy online, which is a little random, but if it works, to heck with it. The same guy also carried my new sofa 1,5 stories on his own to my apartment! I can see he's muscular, but that was a Supermanly feat to perform.

I've also been seeing Frenchie's Finnish girlfriend, whom I briefly met last summer. She was very nice and funny and I think she likes my company too. She will move to Hämeenlinna soon, but she will probably still visit Tampere occasionally. The Frenchie isn't very excited though that we like to gossip about his peculiarities when we meet up, but it's his fault - shouldn't have introduced us if he's so afraid for his privacy. Guys are too paranoid about their privacy in any case. It's healthy if you're a politician or a celebrity or a king or whatever, but nobody cares about a nobody.

There's also this girl from Tampere, about 2km from my place, who added me on her MSN upon seeing my penpal advertisement. Turns out she's also from Hollola and we went to the same high schools at the same time! I hope to meet her too at some point. She likes to knit, which brings me to my next bit of news from Elina's world.

Chapter 4

I didn't just sit around and chat at Amoena's. She taught me how to knit and purl again! I knew how to do that a long time ago, but I never got beyond knitting scarves, which I never even finished. I feel more determined now to finish whatever I start. Besides, now there's Youtube and Google, unlike in the times of yore when I started out on knitting the first time. I also plan to learn crocheting, which according to Amoena is easier than knitting. We'll see.

I finished my very first mitten in two days, barely stopping to say "mhmhm" when Amoena told me she would take Papu for a walk again. And here's the result!

The photo is a little blurry but the mitten looks nice live, trust me. I like the colour, it ranges from pink to fuchsia. I knitted it very tight with bulky yarn so it was a bit hard, but I made it through. I always tend to knit too tight. My right ring finger still has a small spot with no sense of touch, since it was completely numb during the weekend. Knitting is dangerous, kids! Especially to people with Raynaud's syndrome.

Epilogue

I still haven't written all those papers I should in order to graduate. There's always tomorrow, and then there's next week. What's the hurry anyway? I like lounging and being lazy and enjoying life and people. I don't feel so good about neglecting my painting hobby, so I plan to enroll to a painting course at Työväenopisto in Tampere (a workers' institute).

It costs 44e, which isn't too bad. I want to get some feedback from a real teacher and learn the proper basic techniques. I will probably refuse to use local colours, but that doesn't mean I can't plan my colour usage more carefully to attain some special effects. I'll never achieve that on my own, due to my incredible impatience and short attention span.

I'll also take some language courses at the Uni, since this is my last chance to learn languages for free. No one will know if I graduate in the middle, because I don't plan to take the tests anyway. I don't need the credits or grades, I just want to educate myself. Languages don't really take that much effort from me.

I'll take up spoken French, advanced basics in German, and Italian reading comprehension. I also thought about English speech practise because I'd like to more fluent. I'm confident and satisfied with my writing skills in English, but my speech skills could use some extra practise.

Well, I think I've spelled out the essence of my life of lately. I still plan to discuss my experience with Windows 7, no worries. I'll probably be back to my blogging routine when the summer ends, since I'll want a diversion from the ever-increasingly depressing weather.

W00t.

I went shopping for aquarium plants.

The shop clerk said that my algae problem stems from too big and frequent water changes! There's too little nitrate and phosphate in the water! Huh. You live and you learn.

So I'll make one change a week and start fertilizing my plants more. I don't have to feed the fish so sparingly anymore, since there's a lack of nutrients for the plants, and the fish are still tiny and need fuel for their growth.

Nice. Certainly easier for the skin on my arms.

I didn't do anything useful today, as regards my studies. But there's always tomorrow!

And now I'll go play some more Mass Effect. Some asshole slavers and drug dealers need to be killed so the galaxy will be a safer place!

Toilet paper. At least we have it in stores, unlike Cubans.

My plans for today:

• Go buy toilet paper.

• Blog something. I feel bad that I see certain people visit everyday to see nothing new.

• Start doing something useful, like planning essays I should have been writing for ages now.

• Play Mass Effect because it's fun and relaxing (as if I need more of relaxing).

• Start making 50% water changes every day for my tank to finally get rid of the blue-green alga invasion.
  

I might post again today. Let's see if I'll make a record.

Dum de dum.

Hum. It's been a while since I posted.

So far I'm liking this summer. Sun, warmth, some rain and cold. Everything in proportion. Lots of kisses and cuddles. He's got such a pretty head. I like it when he tucks it in my neck or armpit.

Kayyy. I'm still not particularly dreadful about travelling and presenting next week. If I truly start thinking about it, imagining what it's going to be like, planning what I'm going to say, how I'm going to introduce my topic - I still don't feel panicky! Weird.

Last summer I started fearing the upcoming presentation weeks in advance. I couldn't sleep properly for the last two weeks. It's so different now. I feel like I'm going to have a goofy smile on my face when I finally get there. Like, have fun almost.

My presentation is so much better this time around. I used colour for emphasis, and bold and italics and underlining and indentation. I put some fancy arrows on my tables and I even created a clumsy diagram. I'm so good.

I don't think I've mentioned it before, so this is where I'm going tomorrow:

http://www.liv.ac.uk/english/CL2009/

There's going to be a plenary lecture on Shakespeare, but I'm more interested in those about the lexis-grammar interface and the relationship between corpora and computing. It's going to be so good, a whole conference strictly in my field!

Of course, corpus linguistics is not a field of research, technically speaking. It's just a useful denominator, an umbrella term. There's no common methodology or theoretical framework. It simply indicates the source of research data. Perhaps a shared quantitative outlook.

Writing my presentation got me interested in research, again. There's simply nothing like it. I love the intellectual challenge and I just love linguistics. It's so beautiful.

Who knows, maybe I will write a dissertation after all one day. To definitively ruin my chances of employment outside the university. But first I'm going to stick to my latest plan of trying to find some real job somewhere else. If that doesn't work out well enough, I might go post-grad. Plan B if you will.

My parents, a certain teacher and a certain person with a pretty head would be thrilled about it. Everyone seems to be excited about the idea of an intelligent woman who would write the weirdest dissertation ever. Maybe I am just a little bit intelligent then? I enjoy being weird and crazy and goofy more, but intelligent isn't so bad.

Wheee.

I don't know what to blog about, but I feel like I should.

I feel a little silly and quite happy. I've been thinking about a certain person a lot, even to the point that I couldn't sleep for days because I kept giggling and smiling and tossing around in my bed all night.

Yep. I'm crazy. I admit it.

I get to meet him tomorrow. Yay.

In the meantime, I should write. And then write some more. The deadline for my Liverpool presentation is next Thursday, so that's only one week. Then there's the lit essay that I can't even start writing because I haven't finished the readings yet. I should also write two papers about North America for a nice old gentleman who called me his "aging student".

I also haven't finished the paper on cross-cultural psychology in business and management. Lastly, I have to write my BA thesis. I wrote my MA thesis almost three years ago, and now I have to make an abbreviated version of it.

My life is a little weird sometimes. I'm weird, too, as a teacher of mine keeps telling me. Though we agreed that we're no longer a teacher and student but male-friend and female-friend.

I'm going to post later about my supercool new mouse and my experience with the brand new Windows 7. Stay tuned.

The new me.

This week I've been cleaning and tidying a lot. Can you believe that? I washed my balcony floor for the first time since I've been living here! And that's been six years!! I haven't finished washing the tarp, it's so dirty I'm going to save some dirt for the rest of the week.

But since the floor is clean, I laid a plastic red and white carpet on it and set a chair to sit on. Now I feel like my apartment is a little bigger. I like walking to the balcony to sit for a minute and jumping up and fetching something from "indoors". When it was +28 celsius on Sunday, it was cooler outside, even though the door was open all day and night. Sweet.

I also washed the windows today. The outmost one was completely stuck, so I had to use a knife and a hammer to get it open. Only took me half an hour... but how nice to see everything in colour again! I'm sure no one will mind that the window frame crumbled a little and the paint got chipped off at places. This place is falling apart anyway.

And since I pushed over the cleanser bottle on my mouse mat, I finally washed it too. And since I had to look for my window key in my closet, I rearranged the closet while I was at it.

Cleaning is kinda fun and therapeutic once you get down to it. Once I get started on something, it starts snowballing from there. I like having a (relatively) clean and orderly apartment.

I've spent an insane amount of lotions this week on my hands and arms. Thankfully my mum gets plenty of those for free as perks of the job.

Avril Lavigne in a bikini.

I've been having an emotional hungover after last week.

I never imagined I could be so happy around people. It's like I'm a completely different person now. My social phobia is almost gone.

I realized how great my life could be if only I had more friends. Friends I could meet everyday, even if just to say hello and chat a little nonsense. That could keep me happy.

But no. I'm back to seeing and talking to no one at all every single day, unless I go to buy groceries or something else, so I get to say hi to the salespeople. Not very gratifying. Now that I know just how much I've missed out on, I can't stand being alone anymore.

I'm trying not to freak out about having no lectures or classes. I only have a couple of papers to write. I have no work.

I really, really, really have to find some work soon or I'll go crazy. Not just any work, but work where I can meet people and chat with them. I'd love to do something similar to what I did at EAA, helping and guiding people. So I could keep my spirit up until the day when I might have a friend or two to help me keep sane.

Because I know it can't happen very quickly. It takes time to find a friend with whom you can spend a lot of time. I met some nice people at EAA, but they all already have a wide circle of friends. Of course they don't mind new ones, but they probably won't start spending a lot of time with me on a regular basis. They think I have my good old friends as well, so they don't know just how desperate I am.

I do have a couple of friends of course, and they're all great. But no one lives in Tampere. Except Deniselle, if I'm allowed to call her a friend yet. An online buddy? I've been gathering courage to ask her to meet up some day. She seems like such a fun person.

Until then, all I can do is try to keep busy. One surefire way of making me smile is some Avril-therapy, watching old videos of her and watching her brand new bikini pics:



I'm not a lesbian or anything, but Avril's so freaking hawt!!

My French friend just can't accept that I like watching women in a non-lesbian way. Why is it such a big deal that I can appreciate female beauty but don't want to romance women? Must be a guy thing. In fact, I read about research where they found that women enjoy watching both men and women naked more often than men. See! It's biology, people. Women are naturally more bisexual than men!

I'm a rawk star now.

So back in March, Amoena tagged me with the Rock Star meme.

This is what it requires you to do:

1) Go to Wikipedia and hit the random link on the left sidebar, under the navigation heading. The first article you get is the name of your band.

2) Go to the website The Quotations Page. The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your album.

3) Go to Flicker's Randomizer feature. The third picture, no matter what it is, is your album cover.

4)Use Photoshop or another photo editing software to create your album cover.

5) Post your album cover on your blog, along with this text. Be sure to nominate at least 5 friends (by leaving comments on their blogs with a link to your post), and tag me, Amoena, by leaving a comment so that I can see what you've created.


Ergo.


My band is called Jon Harley - or maybe it's just the singer. Jon could refer to a female, right? I like the title of the cd, only ten of them. It sounds so artistic. I also like the photo on the cover, the colours in particular. Too bad I can't do wonders with Windows Paint.

I'm a little confused with the last instruction. "Tag me, Amoena, by leaving a comment..." Is that like the last tagger talking to Amoena, or Amoena herself giving instructions to those who she tagged? My brain doesn't work properly in the morning you see.

Anyhoo. I only tag Deniselle. I can't think of anyone else who'd be willing to participate in a meme like this.

When great minds engage in discourse.

Me and Kai have the most intellectual MSN Messenger conversations sometimes.

High says:
aa eli joo.

Kaitsuh says:
joo eli aa.

Kaitsuh says:
kpp eli bb.
lrr eli cc.

Kaitsuh says:
*lqq

High says:
totta.

(I'm High and Kaitsuh is Kai.)

I should wear pale blue more often.

I'd never voluntarily wear this colour. Cyan, yes, but pale blue? It's so blahh.

I'm relieved that you can't see my hairloss. I'm determined not to cry even once even though big amounts fall every day. Everything in my life is too ok right now to cry over some lost hair. I'll start crying if this goes on for much longer because it'll start to show again. I hate, hate, HATE being able to see my scalp.

Yes, I have a complex about my hair and my intermittent hairloss periods.

This is the shirt for assistants at the EAA conference in Tampere this week. It's a European association of accountants but visitors come from all over the world. It's bigger than I expected: over 1,100 participants! It's so grand, compared to the conferences I've attended before. Everything's so nicely organized! Not to put down the organizers of the other conferences or anything...

EAA has been in Finland once before, in Turku, and it'll probably be another 10 years before it comes to Finland again. People in Helsinki were so bummed that Tampere nailed it this time. I think this town totally deserves it, the Tampere Hall is more than adequate to fit in all those people and has the appropriate grand design. There are two university buildings right in the vicinity and it's easy to navigate around. It couldn't be better really.

Most importantly, the lunches are amazing! They're worth 8,70€ so that's basically our pay, in addition to coffee breaks. It's like a gourmet restaurant buffet. Yesterday I had sesame seed salmon with some sauce, today steak fillet with onion gravy and creamy potatoes. The salad table has 6 different salads, mushroom salad, all kinds of flavoured olive and sunflower seed oils, piths, many different dried fruits and seeds and nuts! Oh and fresh, warm bread!!

Mmm, food. Makes me happy. No wonder my tummy bump is making a comeback.

We also got a conference bag with an umbrella. My old one was broken so that made me happy too.

I had fun overall. There were three other English students, two of whom I met years back in the beginning but never made friends with. Back then, and up until very very recently, I was always too paranoid and depressed to be able to make friends with anyone at all, so I haven't seen them in a long time. They still seemed just as nice, though. I wonder if they'd think twice about hanging around with me more often now?

I used to think that I've burned bridges behind me because I didn't befriend many people when I had the opportunity. But who knows, now I think - or want to believe - that people are more accepting and open than that. I'm ready to make the effort now because I can.

Yesterday I felt a little sad thinking about it. I could have been friends with them for the past six years. How much I could have done together with them, had so much fun. I'd know something about them. But I have to stop myself from thinking like that. I was really surprised when I noticed that now it's possible for me to deliberately change my thinking patterns. I can force all those bad thoughts away! I really think there's still hope for me to have the life I always wanted.

After today I realized that I definitely need to find a job. I think once I have one, I won't have as much time to think negatively and I can focus on developing other areas of my life.

There. End of power speech.

Shoez, baby!

So my mum took me back to Tampere on Monday. The first thing we went to Sara Hildén, but after that we hit the shops. Oh and first we ate STRAWBERRIES!!!! They were surprisingly sweet, and not even that expensive!

In particular we looked at shoes, because it's much easier for me to find good shoes when mum is onboard. I also bought these shorts - they kinda remind of the Joker. I've been wearing them every day with burgundi tights and a rose colour jacket. I didn't intend to colour-coordinate, the clothes just happen to match.
Could the image be any bigger? I got it from the H&M website, the number 1 choice of clothes shopping for all non-ethical, colour-loving people. Since I love my Adidas summer shoes made by cute little Chinese children who got no money from it, why couldn't I love whatever comes out from H&M sweatshops around the world?

Anyway, mum also brought some ridiculous looking clothes in the dressing room for me to try on, so she could have a laugh. You wouldn't believe she turned sixty.

The shoes I bought are completely ethically made. (In fact I simply don't know if they are or aren't.) These only cost 10€ at Halonen:

I'm going to use them in the summer when it's hot and I just want to quickly slip some shoes on. The colour is like electric blue, with a slight tinge of something I can't pinpoint.

These are my Mary Poppins shoes.

The picture sucks, but I love them. Really cute. The heel may look impressive, but they're actually very comfortable, even with my injured foot - I don't have to limp! I just need to be careful what I'm going to wear with them. I might go crazy with colours in my clothes sometimes, but I don't want to look like a clown. Not REALLY, just secretly.

Sometimes I think so many people are just colour-challenged. What's wrong with wearing bright red and green together? Yellow and purple? Orange and blue? Why couldn't you wear a hundred different colours at the same time? There are so few colours that don't go together, in my humble opinion.

Hire me, please!

I've been writing my CV and filling job applications the whole morning. Boy that takes time!

Anyway. Some applications have the option of uploading a picture. It's not necessary, but I thought it would help in leaving a good impression. After all, it's easier to remember people by appearance.


So what do you think? I kind of look like a douchebag. Or maybe I'm just not used to seeing pictures of myself. I look a little tired, but then again I did wake up several times last night. But at least I'm half-smiling! I also see that my eye brows aren't identical. It's like I'm giving that raise-other-eyebrow look.

Notice my business shirt. I love black button-up shirts. The problem is, I could barely button it up because of my boobs! I knew I've gained a little weight over the winter, not to mention that my pecs are bigger too from training (of course). But it was still a little annoying. I have the wrong body type for these kind of shirts.

Aquatic megapost.

A week ago I finally got rid of my Rainbow cichlids (Herotilapia multispinosa) and Ancistrus sp. "lemon" (Common bristlenose, yellow variant). I had had enough with my ugly tank without any plants. Those damn rainbows ate them all in less than a year! Be warned. (I didn't flush them down the toilet if that's what you're worried about; I took them to my nearest aquarium store.)

So I needed something else to replace those terrorists. I had only some red phantom tetras, three black phantom tetras (though similarly named, they actually belong to different genera), and serpae tetra. They fulfill the function of swimming around the middle and top parts of the tank.

I needed some algae eater(s), bottom dwellers to eat food that has sunk to the bottom, and some cichlids that have real character. This is what I got:

Algae-eaters: 4 x Otocinclus vittatus (Dwarf suckermouth) ...

The dwarf suckermouths are cute. I have a weakness for catfishes in general. They seem to be fairly hardworking algae-eaters, but also very good at camouflaging themselves, even in my half-empty tank!

Bottomdwellers: 5 x Corydoras sterbai (Sterba's corydoras) ...

AND 5 x Corydoras aeneus (Bronze corydoras)!

In particular, I like the Sterba's corydoras. They're so purty and cute. I like Corydoras in general, the way they swim around the tank and constantly fumble around the bottom to find something to eat. And those eyes just make me melt.

Last but not least, the cichlids: 4 x Cleithracara maronii (Keyhole cichlid) ...

Keyhole cichlids are my old favourite. They have lots of character, even though they're shy. They're not terribly colourful, but I prefer less colourful fishes in general. I got four tiny ones, so I had trouble taking decent photos of them. In fact, all my new fishes are so tiny that I'll probably show them later when they've grown a little.

AND 2 x Laetacara dorsigera (Redbreast acara)! The redbreast acaras are a new experience to me. They are small and peaceful and quite colourful. I look forward to observing their behaviour and learning more about them in the future.


...Jealous, are you?!

N.B. Fishes refers to different fish species, whereas fish in plural refers to several specimens of the same fish species. In singular it refers to a single specimen, and as a mass/uncountable noun it refers to food.

Mission accomplished!

Ladies and gents, I am pleased to announce that the feed for Sleeping Artist works again!!!!

Thanks go to my dear brother and tech assistant Kai! Kisses and hugs!

So if you were a subscriber, you need to subscribe again, preferably through the Subscribe button on the right-hand side. If that doesn't work, the feed is http://www.sleepingartist.info/feed.

Sorry about that. I still don't have a clue what a feed is and what the hell was the deal with it. I'm not that computer-savvy.

Healthy yellow teeth.

This is an edifying story about my teeth. If that sounds too boring to you, proceed at your own risk.

I had a dentist's appointment on Monday to have my wisdom teeth removed. I got an invitation 2 ½ years ago, but I never went because they sent it to a wrong email address. Now that I finally got the invitation to my real address, my wisdom teeth had fully erupted without any gum flaps! So the dentist told me that it wouldn't make any sense to get them removed anymore.

She said it's very rare for a woman to have such perfectly erupted wisdom teeth in perfect line with the other teeth. But this got me wondering. If they would have removed them a couple years back, but waiting it out, they actually became perfect teeth... why don't they always wait and see if they can become good teeth or not? I never had any problems with them, even when they were still partly under the gum. Only some minor uncomfort, which is natural, but never infections or anything.

Initially I wasn't going to go to the dentist because I hadn't had any problems with them. But then I read an article in Lääkärilehti (an official magazine for doctors that my parents subscribe to). It said that wisdom teeth will always be an infection risk, no matter what, so they have to be removed. But this dentist said that there is no risk since I have very little dental caries and no gum flaps.

So the lesson is, don't trust everything they say in Lääkärilehti. Obviously everything they said was right, except they didn't consider cases where the wisdom teeth erupt perfectly. Maybe it's so uncommon that they didn't bother mentioning that?

Anyway, I'm truly fascinated by the doctor magazines my parents get. It's so cool to have both parents as doctors, because I can always ask about the strangest things that come to my mind. Like, what was that disease that can cause your eyeballs to bulge out?

Answer: Toxic goiter, i.e. a goiter with hyperthyroidism. It's when your thyroid overproduces hormones and you have to shut it down completely with medication. After that, you have to take hormone meds for the rest of your life to compensate.

Medicine is so cool. I wouldn't want to be a doctor, but it's absolutely fascinating to learn about all kinds of icky things that can happen to a human body.

Change.

I don't normally like changes in my life, but lately I've grown more accepting of it. I think the meds have given me a more relaxed attitude overall.

Just the other day, I had a discussion with a woman from my German class after we'd had our oral exam. We talked for almost an hour! I didn't flee with some petty excuse; instead, I stayed and had a very normal, relaxed conversation. That's completely against my character. I'm so not good at meeting and getting to know new people. So I congratulated myself on that. She even asked for my email, so maybe we'll meet again in the future. She seemed really nice, so I hope so.

It's weird to notice how people are much more open to me and interested now that I'm happier myself. I take contact with people without even thinking about it, and it pays off. Amazing. Only a couple weeks ago, I was still afraid people would turn me down if I tried to talk to them. Now it doesn't even occur to me that someone might not like me or be interested in me.

Well, I still have a long way to go as far as social skills, but it's a huge deal that I don't take it so seriously anymore. I have hope again. It's been so long that I dared to hope for a better life. I've been almost non-stop miserable for the past two years, and I felt like I was finally done with it. I'm glad to know it was partly just about the lack of serotonin between my brain cells.

As for other changes: I finally took Deniselle's diabolical advice and started downloading Galactica season 4 episodes. I bought season 3 dvd last autumn, because it's been two years at least since season 2 aired in Finland. I don't think they're ever going to show any more episodes.

I started rewatching season 3 because I want to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. Galactica is so complex that it's easy to forget all kinds of little twists related to side characters. Besides, with my internet connection it's going to take at least two more weeks to download the whole season.

I don't feel bad about downloading, because I know I will buy season 4 on dvd when it comes out to sale in Finland in 2015. I know I'm still an accomplice in the crime by downloading, but at least I don't share it any more than I have to. And of course, the shameless downloaders will hate me for it. Anyway, I think it's good to have a chance to try out something for free to see if you really like it. If I actually like a cd, film or a game, I always buy it afterwards. So I'm not all evil, I tell myself.

And the changes keep coming. Yesterday I bought X-tra pizza with ham, because the weekend is coming. I always celebrate my Fridays with X-tra ham pizza. It costs 2,79€ and the package contains two 180g small pizzas. They're exactly the right size: your craving for delicious pizza is fulfilled, but you won't feel stuffed. You will even have room for some fruit for dessert. But guess what? My package had only ONE pizza!!!!!! Some idiot had forgotten to put two in there!!! >:( So now my one tiny pizza is expensive as hell! And who would believe me if I went back to the store and told them about this, since I already opened the package?!

But here's what really bothers me. Only a couple weeks back, Pirkka milk (a brand of K-market) cost 85 cents per litre. They have this tag on the shelf saying "the right price!", attached to all the cheapest common products. Well, one day the milk suddenly cost 89 cents, and it still says "the right price!". I suppose, no matter how high it goes, the price is always right if it's Pirkka.

Don't get me wrong, Pirkka milk is still the cheapest. If you buy Valio milk in K-market, it costs a whopping 1,05€ per litre! In S-market, it only costs 95 cents, and they don't sell Pirkka milk at all. But it's staggering to think that two different brands used to have a 20 cents' difference in prices. I drink a lot of milk, so it really can make a difference.

So make note, K-market: I'll be watching you! Don't think people won't notice!

Muskulösa flickor.

I visited my parents with my big brother for a change. My mum had a good excuse to bake pies again.

It was really nice because my mum was so happy, and even my dad behaved himself! Mum has been on part-time retirement for a while now, and she has been so much more relaxed and happy ever since. I'm happy for her.

As for my dad, I usually have a hard time getting along with him. There's something about him that rubs me the wrong way. But I suppose he's more relaxed and happy now too since he's been exercising so much lately. He still has trouble losing weight, but in my book, exercise is all that really matters because it makes you happy. We even did some crossword puzzles together and we didn't snipe at each other once! A miracle!

I was also pleased that my big brother noticed how my muscles have grown a little. Then me and mum compared whose bicep is bigger.

Our family sounds kind of weird now. But we're all like this, we have an appreciation for muscles. We don't strive to be skinny, we want to be strong and bulky. I truly enjoy discussing human physiology with my big brother, who used to be very serious about body building and who also studies medicine.

He still thinks weight training is the best form of exercise. He doesn't understand what I mean when I say how I couldn't give up jogging or aerobics, or any cardio activities for that matter. Different forms of exercise give different kinds of pleasure. I feel different after jogging as compared to after aerobics, or weight training. Always good, but always different.

I'm pleased that the streets are dry again, and I intend to start jogging more now that I'm feeling healthy again. The problem is, I noticed how my new winter running shoes have much, much better padding than my 2-year-old summer running shoes. I know that you're supposed to buy new running shoes at least every other year if you run a lot, but... they cost so much! I just bought new shoes on Christmas, and I should buy new ones again?!

I hate using money on expensive things. I can handle spending 20€ a week on food, and 195€ on the latest electricity bill (no kidding!!), but when it comes to something that technically isn't absolutely necessary, I hate it.

Earrings are a girl's best friend.

I wanted to show Amoena my new earrings. My mum gave them to me when she visited last week. She always tells me that my ears are the smallest in the world, so I shouldn't use heavy earrings that could stretch my tiny lobes.

Whatever. Mums are like that.

This is the best shot I could get with my camera phone. Well, it's really a phone with a built-in camera, not the other way around.

I just woke up so I look like crap. No one should see my face this up close. At least I spared you from half of my face, though you can probably guess what the other half looks like.

In other news, I finally transferred all the photos from my cellphone to my laptop (thanks to my new Deltaco Hi-Speed 7-port usb hub!), so expect more photo-ridden posts in the future.

Oh and if you also read Sleeping Artist, please note that the feed no longer works. I have absolutely no idea why that is. I've tried a lot of things and I've asked around, but so far no luck. I just don't have the energy right now to look into it so I apologize for the inconvenience.

My life as a lungfish.

That meeting with the career counselor was definitely worth it. We talked for nearly three (3! yes, 3!) hours, and she was a really nice and fun person.

I shamelessly hurled millions of questions at her and felt like I got very useful answers. She told me that the employers can be just as confused and ignorant about the recruiting process as the job applicants. Somehow I didn't see that coming at all.

For instance, she said that many employers write these daunting requirement lists because it's easier to imagine the ideal candidate instead of a realistic one. Usually the people they end up hiring don't fulfill many of their requirements. Lesson: salt, salt, and then a little more salt when eyeing up those lists!

She also told me that my work experience at the uni looks impressive, even if it's been a part-time job. It shows (in her words) that I can commit to a project, and long term too since I've had several projects over a couple of years.

Moreover, she said some people can be impressed by the fact that I've worked for uni. Myself I tend to think that it's not difficult at all to get some small project like that since I'm a student there, so I don't think of it as very impressive. The biggest ones I got because I practically forced my help on one teacher when he complained about not having time for his project.

Well, I suppose those projects don't really fit my idea of applying for a job, since I never had to do that. They didn't help me at all in learning those skills outside the university.

Even so, my main worry was that my cv gives off the impression that I've been extremely lazy and that I'm unwilling to work. Of course I can be lazy, usually when I don't like what I'm doing. If I do, on the other hand, I'm a workaholic. Maybe that's my saving grace.

I felt such relief after talking to her. The high lasted for about two days, and then the good old paranoia and anxiety kicked in again. But no matter how I feel, I refuse to forget all those tips and information I got. The job market no longer seems quite as intimidating as it used to.

Meet the maker? Nah.

For the first time in my life, I've written a CV. I've never needed one before because I've only written open job applications. But now I needed to create one because I'm meeting a career counselor tomorrow.

Kind of funny if you ask me. Well. My CV looks surprisingly purty after all. It looks nice that I've been working for the English department for three years now, even though it's only been perhaps a couple hundred work hours at best. The time span is deceptive. I like that.

It sounds impressive too, "coordinating, updating, classifying and compiling corpora". My two conference presentations give a nice touch too. And then there's the translation job for Auringon lapset. No one can tell how much or how little work that was.

That's what I hate about applying for jobs. I feel extremely dishonest. The key in getting a job is basically to productize yourself and your skills. You need to give a good sales speech. What can you offer to your prospective employer?

The problem is, nothing I've done or anything I know or can do is useful. It's absolutely ridiculous that anyone allowed me to give presentations at linguistics conferences. I mean, come on, I can't even handle the basics of English grammar! What is a participle? I don't know. What's a mood? An aspect? What's the point of case grammar? I don't know. It all still confuses me, after years of studies. I've hardly ever been sane enough to actually care about my studies, most of the time I've been drudging through so I can get my study grants. My formal qualifications are full of air.

My language skills are not particularly impressive. I know the basics in many languages, but only English I'm happy with. Even so, I'd like to be a much more fluent English speaker.

And then there are those elusive skills that every employer seems to want, no matter what the job. Even a cleaner should be active, social, positive, superhuman, motivated, blah blah blah.

I'm not a social person. That cancels out about 90% of job openings. I'm not motivated. I can't help it. I can't really say I want to live for very long. So it's kind of hard to be motivated about working, especially in the beginning when you have to learn how to do it at first. I just don't have that extra energy to try to do my best. Sometimes I do, but that's about 5% of the time.

No one should employ me. I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I hate lying, but that's what I have to do if I want to get any kind of job. It's disgusting.

Limb of the matter.

There's something strangely blissful about living in a limbo.

I consider sentences of one sort or another. None seem of any consequence.

I look outside. Snowflakes twirling down from the sky. Should matter. But doesn't.

A happy smile. Laughter. Should matter. I laugh and then stop. It won't lead anywhere.

Manual labour. Corporeal punishment. Satisfying. Matters as long as it steals time from me.

They ask questions. I have no answers. I search my mind but I find nothing. Echoes ricochet all around and come back to square one. I'm sorry I'm like this. Is it not enough that I'm smiling and laughing?

I have nothing to contribute but I like the emptiness. I'm content. Satisfied. Nothing can move me one way or the other.

Bless this blissful state.

Peacey.

I feel like I'm in peace right now. I feel content that I finally took control of things. I hate feeling out of control. I'm not an extreme control freak, but I definitely have some symptoms of it. I love routines. They're my lifeline. If everything is under control and I can do the things I've planned everyday, life is good.

I didn't realize how inexpensive depression meds actually are. Only 3,30€ for a month! It's nothing compared to other regular medication, like painkillers or contraception. Perhaps subsidized by the government? I know it's a ridiculous amount of people who are on depression meds these days.

I always thought, and still do, that there must be something wrong about that fact. Can it truly be the case that such a huge proportion of people need to be treated for depression? Is it a new epidemic, or has it always existed, only doctors didn't have a name for it, let alone treatment?

It would make sense if it was somehow caused by the living conditions, the way the society works here. Probably also the environment, considering that this country with long and dark winters rates very high in suicide. Personally though, I'm more inclined to believe in the former - there's something wrong with our way of living.

Maybe we're simply too well off. Too much time to think, as we don't have to spend all our time and energy on simply surviving. If you fear starving over the winter, you're hardly going to think about some of your smaller worries. Then there are the ridiculously inhuman expectations in today's working life and life in general.

Everyone should be 100% effective for 8 hours a day five days a week, should have more than 2 kids to keep Finns from becoming extinct, mothers and grandmothers and men in general should all stay fit and healthy for all their lives to diminish the costs on the society as far as health care, and young people should apply to exactly the right kind of education for them so the society doesn't waste money on education for nothing.

Oh and people should also be willing and able to move around the country and to other countries whenever their employers decide that it's more cost effective to do business elsewhere. And of course, everyone should cut down on eating, heating, CO2 emissions, lighting, air conditioning, watching tv, increase garbare recycling, use public transport, forget holidays abroad.... am I forgetting something? Probably. It can't be this simple, can it?

It's really difficult even for professionals to decide whether the increasing number of diagnoses is due to the advance of medicine, i.e. we know more now what causes what and how it can be treated, so it will of course be treated. Or, we may be diagnosing as disease some symptoms that are a fundamental, inevitable part of the human condition and life in general. It's the so called medicalisation phenomenon, and everyone thinks they know the best what's going on.

However, with increasingly more information circulated in the media, in a simplified form, people are of course more educated on a basic level and know that they can demand treatment and get better. The problem is, they think they are fully aware of everything related to it, while of course they aren't. There's a reason why doctors undergo a long and difficult education and training, and consequently someone who hasn't can't really claim to know or understand the intricacies of diseases.

Of course you get depressed if you lose someone. Or you suffer a serious injury, or a miscarriage. Anything with a big impact on your life, any major disappointment, will affect anyone. It's a whole another matter when you're depressed for years without any apparent reason.

Well, all I can say is I don't envy doctors in the least.