The thing about chaos - fear?

I know this is not enough. Everything is unfinished. Nothing has come out of anything, yet. What's even worse, I don't even clean the seeds from the floor. I spill soup on the floor and I leave it be. I shouldn't, right? Because it makes me something you're scared of. One of the worst things that could happen to your dear sweet pea. So I may not be tired. I have to keep up the charade.

Doing it for you is enough sometimes, don't worry. But sometimes it isn't. You are so dependent on me that it scares the shit out of me. I don't like the way our roles got switched. I hate to see you vulnerable. I hate to see you so human.

Like your own mother. The tears that burst out when you realized she was really going to leave you. Even though I never heard a good thing about her, you needed her there. Whatever she was like, better she was there than not at all. The same way you want me here, there and everywhere. Be, no matter what. Keep on being. To be or not to be is not the question, ever. Don't even go there.

I know I should let you go first. The only decent thing to do. But I find it so hard to wait that long. How can it be so easy for you? How can you still be going so strong when I still haven't, once? When you've seen ten times worse of life than I have so far?

Or is that the reason? It's been too easy for me? I don't have enough respect for my being here? It's a distinct possibility. To give more shame.